The last week has been fucking awful for me. I’ve been snapping at everyone, losing the ability to speak, forgetting things, losing things, eating crappy food… the list goes on. I’ve started about 4 new blog posts this week and not finished any of them. I can’t focus. What the heck is going on?
I’ve got an analytical mind and I need to figure out the answer to this so I can fix it. One thing I know is that my routine has been messed up. In an uncertain world, I need the certainty of my routine. It makes me feel secure and happy and able to tackle things I otherwise wouldn’t. I’m not one of those people who does things by the clock, but I rely on doing things in the order I expect; get up before everyone else, drink lots of tea, do some yoga, take the dog out. Then get cracking on my day. If those things don’t happen in the morning then my whole day is out of whack and I feel like I’m constantly playing catch up.
Some parts of my daily routine have a knock on effect to the rest of my week. Yesterday was leg day, today is arms day (if you don’t know what this means, it’s a gym term; I am doing weights concentrating on arm muscles today). If I don’t do arms day today then my next leg day will be late, which means my running plans will have to change. All these changes use up valuable spoons. I haven’t written about spoon theory yet, but I will. I’m not going to start yet another bloody blog post to add to the queue now. I need to finish this one.
I’ve had to unexpectedly spend long amounts of time with people I don’t know that well. That’s a huge spoon-sapper. It takes me days to recover from that.
When things don’t go as I expect, it’s like a satnav recalculating a route. It takes time and effort and means that I can’t do other things that I would have been otherwise able to do. Even things like coping with noises or being able to talk or reading a book. Things that non-autistic people might take for granted.
I don’t think non-autistics realise how FUCKING HARD autistic people have to work every day in a world that’s not designed for us. It’s bloody exhausting. Cut us some slack, don’t fuck up our routines without shitloads of notice. Don’t EVER spring things on me. Even nice things. If someone surprised me with a trip somewhere I would love, but I’d planned to do some cleaning then the change in plans would still use up spoons.
Holy fucking hell, I think I actually just finished a blog post. Is it bed time yet?