I haven’t written much lately, or done much thinking beyond replaying over and over and fucking over again something that happened to me a long time ago. I don’t want to go into details. I don’t even want to think about it really, but all this Harvey Weinstein stuff has brought it all flooding back.
It took me years to realise what had happened to me.
I realised that saying ‘OK’ because I’d just spent a year being told that I wasn’t good enough at my job and I was scared I’d get fired if I didn’t is NOT CONSENT.
I realised that saying ‘OK’ because I’d already said no a few times and had run out of different ways to say it, and he kept asking and asking, is NOT CONSENT.
I realised that saying ‘OK’ because the thought of confrontation scares the bejeezus out of me is NOT CONSENT.
I realised that even if you are craving someone’s approval and are in an on/off relationship, it doesn’t mean you have to say ‘OK’ when you just don’t feel like it.
I realised that an adolescence spent being yelled at and punished for not doing as I was told had left me without the social skills to assert myself and say no.
I realised that my shitty self esteem and aching need for someone to love me had left me hugely vulnerable to an abusive relationship.
And I thank fuck that I met my lovely husband at such a young age and haven’t had to deal with any of this shit since.
So fuck the Harvey Weinsteins of the world. I don’t want to spend any more time thinking about the one in my life, but it keeps getting shoved in my face again and again.
To all the survivors out there, even if you are screaming and crying and punching the walls, we are still fucking here.