I’m in my living room trying to ignore the massive piles of laundry, half-unpacked suitcases, tired and cranky children, bored dog who wants to go for a long walk but I’m too tired, and otherwise general chaos.
Yes, it’s that just-got-back-from-holiday feeling. I’m not a great traveller. I like seeing new and interesting places, but the process of getting there and settling in is awful. And now that I’m back, I don’t have the fun visiting-interesting-places bit to look forward to; it’s just laundry and getting back to my usual routine.
After a lifetime of beating myself up about it, I’ve accepted that my executive functioning is a bit shit and that keeping the house tidy is really difficult for me (made even more difficult by my children who have the same issues- but at least I know why and I hope they won’t grow up feeling bad about it like I did). It’s one of the things- along with being assertive, making phonecalls, and going shopping- that I know I’m not good at, and that’s OK.
The other thing I’ve been doing since I got back is catching up with all my activist friends on social media. Some of them are doing incredible things and it’s made me feel like a bit of a slacker. I want to be able to do amazing things too. I want to change the world. I want to write a book and organise protests and talk to the press and give speeches. I want to do my part and stand with my autistic siblings.
What’s stopping me? I wonder how will I ever do those things if I can’t even tidy my own living room?
Should I just accept this as another limitation? Who even decides what my limitations are; is it me or someone else?
Maybe it’s not the fact that I can’t do these things that’s holding me back. Maybe it’s just my lack of confidence. I’m not good at self-promotion. I’m constantly wondering, am I being too cocky by posting links to my blog?
If it is lack of confidence then maybe this is why I’m still dreaming of these things. Maybe deep down I know that the only thing stopping me is fear.
I can accept all kinds of limitations, but lack of confidence is not one of them. I feel like that’s something I can really change. Slowly but surely.