I’m a bit drunk and I’m mad as hell but today I found a reason to write another blog post after 5 months of wondering why the fuck I was doing this.
Today I had a bad day. Today we were rejected from a group after my child had a meltdown.
Now, as an autistic adult I am WELL used to rejection. I’ve experienced it over and over and over again and I’ve become resigned to it. People don’t like me and I don’t know why; that’s basically the tagline to my life. I haven’t accepted it and I don’t think I ever will. I’m not a bad or evil person, just a deeply unpopular one. I’m resigned to it. I have pretty much moved on. Until now.
There are many difficult things about being an autistic parent to an autistic child.
Like, people don’t realise you exist.
Or people think you can’t be an adequate parent because you’re autistic.
Or people think you shouldn’t have kids in case they turn out to be autistic too.
Or parent groups are full of parents saying how terrible autism is and they wish their child was ‘normal’ and you have to sit there and try not to cry.
But the absolute WORST thing about being an autistic parent to an autistic child is having to watch them deal with the same bullshit you did and not being able to do a DAMN thing about it.
I can’t explain to my child why other people pick on her. She’s not a bad person. She’s a stickler for the rules and hates to see any kind of injustice. She makes weird references to obscure fantasy books that few other kids have read. But she’s not a nasty child. What do I tell her when another kid is mean to her and their parent does nothing? I have no idea how to deal with this shit other than to withdraw from those sort of people. Bad shit happens and people get away with it; that’s the reality of the world and I hate that my child has to learn that.
The reason I started this blog was that I wanted to make life better for autistic people, including my own children. I don’t know how to do that and I’m certainly not cut out for this activist shit, but I think my children need to see that I’m doing SOMETHING. I just wish I could figure it out.