The other night I googled “Can you die from anxiety?”

The good news is you can’t, even though a lot of the time it feels like it. I’ve started worrying about the physical affect that anxiety is having on me. Sometimes I wonder if my heart will be able to keep going.

So today I wondered if maybe going back to therapy would be a good or a terrible idea.

I haven’t had much luck with therapy. I’ve been a few times and found that just talking about my problems didn’t make them go away, but just made me think about them more, which made me feel worse. And I didn’t feel better again until I finished therapy and didn’t have to talk about them any more.

I’m not saying trying to forget problems is a good strategy. I’ve been trying to do that for years with my experiences from school and it hasn’t worked. Even if I don’t think about it in the day time, my subconscious will remind me in my sleep. Or something will trigger me off during the day and have me running for cover.

But just telling someone about my problems hasn’t helped, so I need a different approach.

I’ve posted before about the CBT shitshow I had to go through with the NHS so I know that’s not going to work for me. I think I need to go back to the source and figure out how school affected me. What I wrote off as normal as a 14/15/16 year old, I can now see was a horrendous way to treat a child. I can see that my teachers deconstructed what little self-esteem I had and put me in a permanent fight-or-flight state for two fucking years. Any kind of attempt to “change my behaviour” or give me a fucking worksheet to take home just brings all that back. No thanks, mate. Shove your fucking homework.

Now that I know I’m autistic, I think it might be worth giving therapy another go, with someone who understands what might look illogical to a neurotypical mind might make perfect sense to someone autistic.

But where to begin? I don’t want to be ABAed or CBTed, I don’t want to be desensitised, I don’t want to just “get it off my chest”. What’s left? Who knows. I’m going to try and find out though. I’m so sick of being scared of everything all the time.

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